Can I Just Go to Bed Now and be Warm?

I’m freezing. You’d never guess that I was born and raised in the upper Midwest. I can recall walking to school when it was so cold that my eyelashes would freeze and seal my eyes shut. I remember delivering Domino’s Pizza in the middle of a Minnesota winter night when the thermometer on the bank clock read -30F. So, where is that girl? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m thinner? Or older? I blame this drafty house.

Strategies for staying warm (besides sticking burritos in my cleavage):

1. Leap out of bed, grab clothes and go dress in the bathroom, which is the smallest room in the house. Try to stand on the heater vent while dressing. Fall over.

2. Wear at least three shirts (that’s the number I’m wearing at the moment).

3. Cook supper in a muffler. Scorch the fringe. Of course.

4. Before folding the freshly dried laundry, sit on the sofa and tip the basket over myself, moaning in ecstasy.

5. After using the oven, turn it off and leave the door open. Stand near the open door. Try to eat supper in that position. Feel bummed when the family insists on my joining them at the table.

6. Make tea and drink it, holding the electric kettle in my lap. Carry electric kettle around the house, clasped to my bosom.