Hoo-Nelly!
I've hit a bit of a writer's block, due to the very deep and persistent questions that have been plaguing me lately. Then I think, "Well, I can't write such self-centered blog entries." (as if blogging, by its very nature, isn't totally self-centered)
I have a brainful going on at the moment. Here's the nutshell version. Maybe, if I'm lucky, the nutshell version will suffice; I will write them here quickly, and here they will stay.
1. Why is it that, every time I spend time with my family (I mean the one I grew up with), I leave Wisconsin feeling like a total waste of space? I set foot on the ground in the Midwest and I am twelve again in the minds of everyone there. Am I stuck with that?
2. Since I am convinced that there is no eternal life, how do I reconcile myself to my dad's death?
3. If I believe that we live on in the values we impart to others, what do I already have from Dad? What's my spiritual inheritance?
4. Are there other things I should be trying to take on board? Things he would have liked me to do better? What can I reasonably expect to adopt at my semi-advanced age?
5. (I pondered this all day today while I was skiing.) At what point is it OK to turn away from challenges and take the easier way? If I choose the slope that I know I can ski well over the one that will scare/challenge/improve me, is that bad? Or good? What does either choice say about how I live my life?
6. Once you lose the parent to whom you were closer, do you develop a new kind of relationship with the remaining parent?
7. How many kids are going to RSVP for Sara's birthday party next weekend? WHEN will they RSVP? Will it be soon enough that I know how much food to buy?
In Dickens' A Christmas Carol, Jacob Marley is condemned to roam the world after his death, trailing chains made of all the earthly concerns that held him back from being a better man during his life. Is that me? Why wait until I'm a ghost? The chains are here already. I suspect that a Scotch and a hot shower will not release me, but it's the best I can do just a the moment.
4 comments:
Oh, my, Kate, we really do need to sit down with a drink together. Those hit home.
1. Being 12 isn't such a bad thing... just accept it. And try to remember all the really GREAT things about being 12. There are many.
5. Before I got cancer, I was doing all kinds of things out of my comfort zone. It caused me stress, which, in my mind at the time, was good, but which, upon reflection, I think was bad. I have since simplified my life considerably. I've been pondering this same thing lately, even regarding skiing! It is ok, at some point, to turn away from a challenge, and it is ok, at some point, to go for it. It's just that every decision now becomes more relative. What is "good" in one situation may be "bad" in another. And only your intuition and heart can help you.
6. yes
It is the same for me when I get together with my family for any period of time that is longer than two days. At first everything is fine and then...splat...suddenly we are slouching into our family roles. I am the rebel.
It fit when I was 18. Now, not so much. Now, I want to trade with my sister, who is the dreamy one.
But, nope...I keep getting pushed into my given role.
And I am like you in that while I am sitting around thinking deep thoughts, I am also wondering if I can still make egg salad from those hard boiled eggs in the fridge. Are they past their good stage?
It is freaky, isn't it?
You know, my dearest Kate, you think way to hard about stuff.
Robby
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