Unable to console myself with profanity, as is my usual habit, I will resort to writing an avant-garde one-act play.
The Surgeon is God, Episode XXIII
Cast of Characters:
Simon, hapless victim of the Industrial Healthcare Machine
Dr. Happy Cutter, surgeon. Heavy Austrian accent which makes him sound like a mad scientist
John Birkenstock, down-to-earth physical therapist
The Chorus, Four Blue Cross Blue Shield executives in long robes with hoods pulled up to conceal their faces
Scene One
Setting: The well-appointed offices of Dr. Cutter. Brass fixtures, leather upholstery, autographed posters of skiing celebrities ("Doc! You rule! Thx 4 the new knee!").
Dr. Cutter: Vell, Simon, I'm sorry to tell you zis, but eet looks as zough you haf been a bad boy. You know vat ve call zis, don't you? Failure to progress. Und you know who fails to progress, don't you? Zee lazy slobs who don't do zeir serapy, zat's who. [OK, enough of writing the Austrian accent. You get it, so you can just imagine it from here on out.]
Simon: But doctor! I promise! I've been good! I have been doing all my exercises. Don't forget, I had compartment syn-
Dr. Cutter: (putting his fingers in his ears) LALALALALA!! I can't HEAR you!!! Get over it. It was just a little bruising. Now, you currently have 105 degrees of flexion in your knee. I'm going to give you TEN MORE DAYS to get 120 degrees, and if you don't...
Simon: If I don't, what??
Dr. Cutter: We will have to go ahead with a... (scary fanfare) MANIPULATION.
Simon: A manipulation? What's that?
Dr. Cutter: (Gleefully rolling his hands and trying not to cackle) That's where we put you to sleep and then we FORCE the knee to flex, cracking the scar tissue in the process.
Simon: Couldn't that cause internal bleeding again?
Dr. Cutter: Lighten up, will you? You're so paranoid.
Enter Chorus:
(Chanting) Coverage denied. Coverage denied. We're not paying anything unless you submit form AR584-3. All coverage denied.
Scene Two
Setting: The peaceful, healing environment of John Birkenstock's physical therapy practice. TV is on, tuned to "The Fishing Channel". Autographed posters of skiing celebrities ("Dude! You rule! Thx 4 the new knee!")
John B.: A manipulation? Dude, that is so uncivilized. That is totally ignoring the Zen of healing.
Simon: But Dr. Cutter says that, if I don't get the flexion in ten days, and then decide not to have the manipulation, he's done with me and won't be responsible for the results any more. I really don't want to walk like Quasimodo forever.
John B.: Well, we've got ten days. I think you should come in every two days and we'll work on getting the results the natural way. Here, get up on the table and lie on your stomach.
Simon: (Obeying) What is the natural way?
John B
.: That's where I climb up on the table with you, sit on your foot and force it back until you kick your butt. Like THIS! Simon: AAAAIIIIIGH!
John B.: See? That was great!
Simon: I think I peed my pants.
John B.: Did you feel the scar tissue cracking?
Simon: Uh, no.
John B.: Don't worry. You will. Let's do it again.
Simon: AAAAAAIIIIGH!
Enter Chorus
(Chanting) Coverage denied. Coverage denied. Six days in the hospital is $52,000. Coverage denied.
Chorus approaches Simon as he lies alone in a single spotlight, pressing an ice bag to his knee.
Simon: But wait a minute! Why is my coverage denied? I thought you guys were health insurers.
Chorus: Where is AR584-3? Give us AR584-3. Coverage denied.
Simon: I filled it out and sent it in last month.
Chorus: Liar! If you had sent it, we would have it. Coverage denied! One-day outpatient hospital stay: $8,000. Coverage denied. Where did you send it? Coverage denied.
Simon: You're asking me? I sent it to the address printed on the pre-addressed, stamped envelope you sent me.
Chorus: Lost! Oh, dear. Coverage denied. Too bad, so sad. Coverage denied.
Scene Three
The final scene is played out in the light of a single spotlight. It is a silent, ten-minute tableau of Dr. Cutter and John Birkenstock, their hands wrapped around each other's throats, eyes bugging out of their heads, in an eternal battle of wills.
Simon rises from the stage, opens the ice bag and uses a handful of ice to make himself a rum and Coke.
The End
4 comments:
You are brilliant!
Poor Simon!
I am amazed at your ability to find humor in the worst of situations!
Looking forward to the next Act, where I assume Simon (or Simon's wife) will be hanging the BCBS choir with their own robes!
Very entertaining! I was laughing out loud!
I remember listening to the surgeon describe this when my brother had knee replacement surgery. Many similarities.
The main issue at hand is the narrow window of time in which Simon has to re-establish range of motion in his knee. It's not just strength...if he's not able to get that motion back now, unfortunately he never will....& lot's of activities he may have enjoyed before won't be possible.
That's not to say particular doctors can't be jerks....and I wouldn't wish what he's had to endure with the secondary infection on my worst enemy.
(Life can sure suck in so many ways)
I'm sure he'll get there.
-anonymously,
John
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