Monday, July 6, 2009

Cookie Counterindications

I'm actually blogging from my cool, breezy back patio, watching the sunset light up the mountains. The joys of wireless.

I tried to blog a couple of hours ago, but the Lortab felled me. I toppled over like a puppet whose strings had been cut, and hallucinated that mushrooms were growing out of my thighs. Nice.

Lortab is my best friend just now. Overall, I'm recovering incredibly well: the only thing that hurts at all, really, is my left armpit (I know, go figure...), but it's a screamer. Makes me cry real tears. I ended up in the ER yesterday, being checked for a blood clot in my arm. Nope. No clot. The armpit is doing its own special post-surgical thing, and until it decides to stop, I'm hanging out with the Lortab.

What I can't figure out is why sometimes, I can take a tablet-and-a-half and not even get drowsy; but other times, I practically pass out. My theory centers around the kind of cookie I eat with the pill. Lortab should be taken with food, said Dr. Perfect, and it always seems to not be a mealtime when it's time for a dose. Since I have to take it with SOMETHING, cookies are my drug transportation device of choice. After some empirical research, my findings are: with a morsel of Harmon's soft gingersnap, no problem. McVities Digestive Biscuit? Total limpness. Thin Mint? Hallucinations. Please, don't be ridiculous and suggest a healthy alternative. I figure I can indulge in a few cookies. Hey, I'm infirm!

They ARE a little difficult to eat on my back, though, which almost caused me some embarrassment yesterday. I was in Dr. Perfect's office, waiting for his opinion about the screaming armpit and fretting a little, as I always do when I have to be examined a few days after surgery. Not being allowed to bathe or mess with his handiwork, I'm rank, sweaty, covered in black adhesive gunk and smears of Vaseline, sporting cryptic magic marker messages across my torso, etc. Strangely itchy, too from...from the...uh-oh. Seconds before the doctor walked in, I realized the source of the itching, pulled out the elastic of the surgical bra and watched a little avalanche of cookie crumbs cascade into my lap. Sooo glad I found that before he did.

10 comments:

Diane said...

hahahaha... cookie crumbs! that would have been embarrassing if Dr. P had found 'em. Wish you could have one of the gingersnaps George and I made this evening. Yum.

Weber said...

That was great! Sorry you're having some discomfort.

cinnibonbon said...

Sorry for all the pain you are under. Hang in there girl. But I loved the crumb catcher's story!

Katherine said...

Oh, Kate! You maintain your humor. What a woman!

Keep eating as many cookies as you can. And don't worry about mushrooms.

I've had dreams they were growing out of my palms and my breasts. And I'm not even on pain killers.

Rich said...

Sorry you're uncomfortable, Kate, but, OMG, look at what it has produced. What a great piece of writing! Which cookie/Lortab combo created that? Keep eating, Kiddo.

Amrita said...

Hope your armpit doesn 't hurt too much.

Eat peanut butter or chocolate chip cookies, they are my favourite

Hossam said...

Hello,
really good topic
I hope ur hurt to be good,and hope the blodd clot to be disappeared soon
hope to be a frinds
c u
bye

Maria said...

Oh, god. That is such a "Maria" moment...

And I take pain meds for my back. Sometimes, I barely feel them and other times I feel like a zombie. And all along it was COOKIES. Well, now.

The World According To Me said...

Cookies are good for the soul.
Sorry to hear about the pain though. I am wishing your pain away.

Alice Kildaire said...

I think you're allowed a few cookie crumbs ;-)

Sounds as though you're in the home stretch. Hope you heal fast and enjoy your cookies!