R.I.P.

A Eulogy for My Nipple

Please, a moment of silent contemplation for my left nipple, which has finally gone to a better place. If I had known that our time together would be cut short so soon, I would have gone ahead with that piercing I always talked about. Thanks for being so good about helping with the kids; and I forgive you for all those cold winter mornings in the school cafeteria when you elicited crude comments from teenage boys. We all know that you were never one of the big, flashy body parts like the finger or the ear; yet, your absence will leave a void. I hope you will go to the special paradise I have in mind, devoted to all of the things I have lost over the years: there I will someday be reunited with you, as well as lots of earrings, money, sunglasses, scarves and that really good rope that dropped out of my backpack in Alaska and washed away in the Resurrection River. [Gasp!] How appropriate!

So, yeah, I was good and put medicated gel on it and covered it carefully in gauze, but certain parts of it just never got viable. When I went to see Doctor Perfect the other day, he said he'd debride it and explain a new bandaging method he wanted me to use. He wielded his scissors while I looked away, as always. After he was done with everything and had hooked up my boob-armor, he warned me that I would "lose a little prominence". I braced myself when I took off the bandage. My head began to swim when I saw it. Loss of prominence?!? Is that a nice way of saying"hole"? Ack!

I tell you, I can't believe I went to so much trouble to save a body part that not only left me, but left such an obvious vacancy. It's like a lover who leaves and takes the dishwasher.

And how come I didn't feel a thing while he was cutting, but the thing hurts like a b***ch while it's healing up? Good news is that it's healing shut. I...think. I don't look too carefully.

Would a jewel fit in there?

My friends have been very kind, offering up all sorts of excess tissue. Skin tags, moles, etc... "Hey Kate! I almost forgot about this wart! Want it?" My buddy R. has a very annoying, perfectly round scar that stands up from her skin in a way she finds unsightly. Hmm... Now that could work...

I know what I want, though. It's the perfect solution. Simon has been blessed with a third, tiny, vestigial nipple, hanging around uselessly on his ribs. Perhaps if I could lure him in to the plastic surgeon's office under false pretenses...

No, I should just demand that he hand it over. I deserve his nipple - he lost my wedding ring.