Let's see...How to describe my cousin, A.? God, I give up. I love her and I like her; she's a sweet person, but the last smart choice she made was probably in about 1983. At any rate, she called me from Seattle today to tell me that she is leaving her fourth husband, to whom she has been married for one month. Rehab didn't work (wasn't it romantic, though, when he wrote her that cute proposal from the rehab center and they were married two days after he got out?), he's still using meth and then...well, he's not hitting her, but.... I was standing in my office when she told me this and felt the desire to shriek, "I TOLD YOU HE WAS A F***ING CREEP FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!", then throw the phone into a file drawer and slam it shut. But, should I file it under "D" for "Decisions, Bad"; "J" for "Jerk"; or "O" for "Oh, s***"?
(Sigh!)
Instead, I went outside to my branch office (the broken kindergarten chair in the school parking lot) and kept listening. "Yes, the things he's doing to you are abuse.....Yes, if he's using meth again, you need to get away.... Yes, I agree that, since you don't know a soul in Seattle, you should come back to SLC...You could probably get your old job back, if you asked for it...Oh, you're tired of that kind of work....hmmmm....well, sure, maybe something besides customer service....?????...you want to stay with us 'til you get back on your feet?...Right...Sure, I'll talk to Simon about it...."
So, then. There's no question that A. can stay with us - she's my own cousin. But let's see... how to tactfully say things like:
- What does your soon-to-be-ex husband think of this plan? Is he going to follow you to my house, sit in his car at the curb and call you over and over on your cell? Don't tell him where you're going.
- So, he's using meth again, but what about you? We have some house rules: No meth smoking, no meth cooking. We also have a rule against "borrowing" checks, credit cards or cash to buy meth. We're just funny that way.
- You can stay for us with a week, but then you need to go stay with your friend Susan for awhile.
- How much money do you have? Are you aware that we don't have any to lend you?
- Are you taking your anti-depressants? Are you going to lie in bed for days?
- No, I really don't like the idea of renting out the downstairs to you long-term.
12 comments:
Tact is overrated in this instance. Of course, I am the one who just told my best friend, a gal from Columbia, that she would fit in fine with all the bigots here in VA. This after a discussion on illegal aliens. She hung up on me.
She called back, though. We have that kind of relationship. Why pidder-padder around with the ones you love? Your best friends are those you can be blunt with. Not abusive. Blunt. There's a big difference.
My cousin is a meth user and violent. It completely re-wires their brains. He was last arrested three years ago because when broke into his estranged girlfriend's appartment (she'd wisely installed an alaarm system). When the police arrived, they found him sitting on the couch in a darkened apartment wearing black cloths and a black ski mask. Oh, I don't want to leave out a critical detail...the police found a roll of duct tape & his pockets stuffed with tubes of super glue.
When his perpetually in-denial mother called to say he'd be coming to last summer's family reunion, let me tell you...all Hell broke loose. You don't want to go through that kind of constant paranoia.
Family is what family is, but consider carefully Sarah & Nate. The world is ugly enough; let them have a secure childhood.
Sometimes the best thing we can do for our relation is pass them up the food chain to people who have the resources to deal with this.
Why the duct tape & super glue???
That was so he could glue EVERY openning of her body shut when she came home.
But no, apparently he never "hit" her either.
-John
Well, I talked to Mom today, and she was pretty hard-nosed about it. She says I shouldn't let A. stay with me at all. A. tells me that her husband won't come after her - that he sees that the marriage was a mistake, is willing to give her some money, is helping her pack, etc... But my biggest worry is that he'll change his mind and show up down here. Of course, I pointed out to Mom, if I don't help A. and she's living in her car, THAT'S not OK. I think I have some obligation to A., and if she needs a place to stay for a week, I should let her. The more I think about it, though, I need to convince her that she should go to AZ, where her mother lives. Her mom has a guest room, too...
It's a pickle, that's for sure. I hope she finds her way.
John
Kate, as much as it goes against your very nature, sometimes I think the most loving thing you can do is let someone fall flat on their face...let them reap the consequences of their bad decisions. They'll never learn from them otherwise. You strike me as the type of lady who doesn't know how to be anything other than tactful and caring...you'll do the right thing.
i agree with some of your commentators and your mom.. tough love is sometimes the best love and although u feel obligated to put her up for a week or whatever..as she is your cousin...but she needs to get out of this situation and solve this on her own... even if it means falling flat on her face....
Dear Kate this is a very tough situation.In your country you have places where people with problems can find shelter? Can she go to one of those.
In my country we would have no choice.
Anyway you have to be very strict and lay down the rules and a week is OK.Helping people with abuse problems is very hard.
Tough love and the truth are the best gifts you can give anyone you really care about.
ARGH! You know I had this whole song and dance all ready about tough love and the scariness of meth users and how they ALWAYS come after their partners, etc. I was all prepared to write that down and then I asked myself one question: What would you do if that were Zoe?
Zoe is my cousin, who like yours, is a total mess when it comes to making good decisions.
She came and stayed with me once and it was the longest month of my life and I am sorry to say that I actually encouraged her to leave with her then boyfriend who turned out to be a big loser.
Would I do it again? I would like to say no. But, then, my phone hasn't rung and I haven't heard the pain in her voice, the desperation.
In the end, I suppose, I stick to the tough love thing, but...hey...I know exactly how hard it is to implement that.
Your story is so familiar to me. Only for me, it's my sister. I don't have the answer. I wish I did. Fortunately, things are going well with my sister now that she is with her ex-con, Nazi-tattoo-wearing curent boyfriend/future father of her fourth child. :) If you haven't read it, read my entry called "It's a Boy." At least you'll know you aren't alone.
well i dunno what to say. seems like a grown up matter! but whatever said and done i guess its nothing new!
thanks for ur message, i really like it! :)
Kate, this is late, but here's my 2 cents: If A. was/is a meth user, and her parter still is, bottom line is you have kids. And as you say, she could go to her mom's. My brother is (well, hopefully WAS) a meth user. While i'd take his kids in an instant, I wouldn't expose mine to him in an under my roof kinda way...Impulse control very much an issue with users.
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