Friday, June 18, 2010

Lost My Temper

Losing my temper is like a roller coaster ride. Do you ever feel that way? My anger builds slowly. It's like the car ratcheting its way S-L-O-W-L-Y- up the track. Then there is the moment of pause at the top. I look down the swooping track and think: do I really want to do this? I actually don't get truly angry very easily. Irritated, exasperated, fired-up, yes. Angry, no. Because when I do lose my temper, it is a very bad thing.

And when I lose it, there is an anti-gravity, a bottoming-out; and also the sense of release that I love for the power of it, but which gives me a sick hangover afterward. I'm a Midwesterner: typically, we avoid confrontation. After I lose my temper at a person, there's an excellent chance I will never speak to that person again. It's the nuclear option. I have not indulged in it in YEARS. The last time was in about 1994 - I threw a sugar bowl at Simon's head. I was cleaning up the mess for days.

And why this was the situation, I don't know. This guy really wasn't worth it. This was a phone call to the office from a guy who was interested in being a volunteer tutor for our English program. If any of my colleagues read this, they will be shocked - I'm always saying that we need to be extra-especially nice to a prospective volunteer. They are gold. But this guy...

First of all, he was bizarre. Let me choose a font that denotes a flat affect and snippy, nasal tone. We'll go with his one:

Him: Yes. I want to volunteer.

[I wait, listening for a second. There is usually more elaboration, explanation.]

Me: To tutor English as a Second Language?

Him: Yeah, OK. [Like, whatever. Like it had just occurred to him this minute. I wondered if he was court-ordered. Some volunteers are. So, I asked:

Me: How did you hear about our program?

Him: Some other volunteer place. [Again, a long pause. Again, I expect to hear more, but there is a huge void. Finally he says:]

Him: The ESL Center.

Me: Oh, OK. Well.... [...and I launch into my usual explanations about what our volunteers do, when we have school, how to get started volunteering, etc... Normally, these turn in to conversations in which the prospective tutor asks questions, there is dialogue, etc... In this instance, I am unnerved by the complete silence on the line. At one point, I begin to wonder if he is still there. I pause...longer...longer...I'm just about to ask if he is still there when he says:]

Him: Yes.

So I tell him about how we have orientation for new tutors twice a week. I tell him that we will have one next Tuesday, but that we will then be taking a short break and will be back in session on July 13. After that we'll return to our routine of two orientations a week.

At that point, he had something to say.

Him: Well, I don't have a lot of time. I plan to start going to the College of Social Work in the fall and I only have free time over the summer. I really need to get started right away. You know, you people say that you need volunteers, but when I called ESL Center, they told me that they have already done their volunteer training for this month. Then I call you and you tell me you're taking a vacation?!? You say you need volunteers, but you just throw up barriers for people.

Why should that make me snap? I have managed civil phone conversations with everyone from annoying salespeople to ambulance-chasing lawyers to immigrant-bashers. But I let the roller coaster run its course.

Me: NOW LISTEN HERE! (Yes, I admit it. I said, "listen here".) THIS PROGRAM IS OPEN ALL YEAR ROUND. DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE. SO, WE TAKE A LOUSY TWO WEEK BREAK SO I CAN CLOSE DOWN ONE SCHOOL YEAR AND GET ANOTHER ONE STARTED AND YOU ACCUSE US OF THROWING UP BARRIERS!?!?!? WE NEED VOLUNTEERS, BUT NOT SO BADLY THAT I NEED TO PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!!??

[The whole time I am ripping him a new one, there is the Little Voice that remains rational. It is saying,

Little Voice: You are letting yourself do this because you know this person has no social skills and could never be a competent tutor anyway.

I would never talk this way to a tutor who took issue with our break in a normal, rational way. In fact, I have occasionally arranged special orientations for people who have schedule conflicts. But is this case, there was no way I was going to accommodate this freaky, snippy, mean guy.

Would you believe, he didn't have anything to say for himself? All I heard after that was a click. Coward. I can only hope that I scared him.

I threw the receiver at the phone as hard as I could. Then I picked it up and threw it again. And once more. I know how I am when I am like this. I could easily have smashed the phone to pieces.

Little Voice: Do you really want to go to Vicki and tell her that you need a new phone?

Me: No. I guess not. This feels so good, though.

L. V.: No, You'd better stop. And by the way, why didn't you just say something banal, like, "I realize that it seems like a barrier to you, but it is a necessity that we close for a short time to prepare for a new fiscal year?"

Me: That's what I would have done, ordinarily.

L. V.: You better hope he's not as crazy as he seemed. What is he comes down here with a gun?

Me: Little Voice?

L.V.: Yes?

Me: You are a major drama queen and you can shut up, now.

How about you? Do you have a temper? Do you give into it very often? Do you know before you blow that you are going to do it? How does it make you feel?

8 comments:

Lillian said...

I'm actually jealous that you have enough self-control to make this sort of broiling anger a rare thing. I do this far more often than that - usually for truly stupid things - and then have awful guilt afterward.

And if this guy is going into social work, I hope someone, somewhere, sits him down and explains that social workers needs to have and express empathy - and he obviously has none of that. If not, heaven help whoever he has to work with in the future.

The World According To Me said...

I agree with Lillian's comments regarding social work. He's clearly barking up the wrong tree!
I do have a temper, but luckily I rarely loose it and sometimes it's over the most stupid things. I lost it today actually, when the dog decided to ignore me and eat grass when I tried to call him in from the garden. Boy was I mad, I wanted to stuff my face at the Wimpy bar, and he was making me late!! On reflection, it wasn't really worth the sore throat I gave myself from shouting at him.

Katherine said...

LOL! Social work? Is he kidding? Are you sure this wasn't a prank call?

You deserve to lose your temper once in awhile. And you seem to have a longer fuse than I do, dear. So feel good that on a continuum, you are in pretty solid shape.

cinnibonbon said...

LOL.I know I'm going to "blow" the second I open my mouth!!! OHhh that all sounded bad and dirty...yeah ok it works for that other thing too!!!
Shoot first ask questions later kind of girl right over here.
LOL Hang in there.

Quarantine Coronacation said...

Kate,
you happened upon my blog and I check yours out every so often. I got a kick out of this post. I too know when I am going to lose it and when I do it is a matter of choice but one that I regret later. Sometimes when I lose my temper it is deserved, kind of a righteous indignation kind of thing, other times it is undeserved and usually is a result of something else that is going on in my life which gives me stress. It is those times that I regret. Ironically, people rarely see me EVER lose my temper bc I too have a long fuse but when I lose it...watch out.

With regards to the social worker wannabe, it is ironic that he doesn't want to wait for the orientation because with the bureaucracy that goes with the field, he is going to have to do a lot of waiting and nothing will occur on HIS timeline.

Quarantine Coronacation said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

I lose my temper when my wife spends more than an hour in a small shop, looking at every small detail and ignoring me almost begging to leave the place... God, just thinking about it made me lose it again.

Katherine said...

I lose my temper when people persecute those who are less fortunate instead of dealing with the root of the problem.